#54: my house

Almost a week has passed but I'm still feeling so sour from not being able to see Big Bang live during their MADE tour in Singapore. But since then, I'm even more determined to buy tix for their next concert which, honestly, I don't know when it'll be. Or if my determination can be preserved till then.

It may sound extremely funny spending close to $200 just to see species of our kind just of different status but I believe all will be worth it after experiencing it firsthand.

The dark days may have gone and light has once again seeped through the tiny crack, but bear in mind, my friend, that darker days are bound to come. Just as there is day and there is night, where there is light, there will be darkness. But worry not, for even in the darkest days, light shall shine upon those who can see it. And if you can't see, feel. Because your heart is your best gift. 

#53: between me and you

It's either you against the world, or the world against you. It will never be you and someone against the world, neither the other way round. If there's anything I really learned for the past 19 years or so, it'd be that no matter how much support you have, how many friends you make, or just how strong your background is, the corollary will still be you facing the world alone. You, one of the 7 billion people living on this planet, have to tackle the world alone. And it will always be this case. No one can face your world except you. No one can solve your problems except you. No one can destroy you except you. And no one can outdo you except you.

And that is why the living world is a scary place. You trust the people you trust most and they put a dagger through your back.

And what's worse than daggering you is the pain you cannot feel. Because you don't know how to feel the pain. Because you were not trained to do so. All this time, you grow up being taught to trust the people around you, and to help them even without them telling you, to love them even if the love isn't reciprocated. But you were not taught neither told to feel pain.

Every day will be you against the world. And every day will be you fighting against yourself, too. And every day will be a constant battle with no apparent victory because the battle you fight will never end until you cease to exist.

-

Today was a good day. In the early afternoon I went over to Sab's place to collect 2 out 3 packages she received on my behalf but before that we had some bus problems like I alighting at the wrong stop and being a total bus idiot. And then we went to pick Nafisa up together and man her baby sister was a total adorable pie. I can now see why she's so lovable by everyone.

Being at Sab's place stressed me a lil because I've always been an awkward potato my entire life and I just never really learned how to act or behave in front of strangers. Especially when her mom exudes this really strict and fierce aura I just thought I needed a hole to jump into and hide there forever. That aside, it was really great spending time with her and her sister watching X-Men (whichever season it was).

Afterward I went to Vianne's crib to (again) collect the caps I had her buy for me. Shopping online and delivering the stuff straight to my house is death equivalent thus, I needed someone (trustable and reliable) to be one of my holding posts so do not ever underestimate the role of my holding posts.

Anyway then we talked for quite a bit and honestly, it was rrrrrrrrrreally good talking to an old friend again. And I quote from entry #51: in that moment everything seemed real enough. Sometimes I really wish it's just I being downright skeptical but other times, I just don't want to give the trust people deserve because I believe so much in expectations leading to disappointments.

The more you expect, the greater your disappointment. The more you desire, the less you attain. The more you wish, the less you get. At the end of the day, desire will be the death of you, not a road accident, or an incurable plague, or a terminal illness, but the thirst to want so many things so badly it killed you even without you knowing.

-

The few hours of alone time I have after dinner each day is what I look forward to most, honestly. It is the time I can do whatever I want whenever I want. It is the time I really run through my mind and repeat the day in my head. It is the time I have to myself, the time of solitary - no one to interrupt me, no one to bother me, no one to care about me. It is the time about me and myself, and I really like that.

Time alone is so important you never realize that until you're stuck spending time with people you barely invest anything in.

And I really marvel at the diligence I have to write so much, keeping this thing alive.

#52: if you

I never understood why people pee without flushing, or worse still, pee all over the toilet seat. I mean 1. I am a girl so obviously I go to the female toilet 2. so technically everyone who goes into the toilet I go to is a female and 3. females don't stand while peeing; we sit 3. so theoretically your pee should not and would not even be all over the toilet seat because 4. YOU ARE SITTING ON THE TOILET SEAT WHILE YOU PEE so 5. I really don't get how the toilet seat is most of the time stained with strangers' pee and it really is the most disgusting thing ever to have to clear someone else's pee stains JUST because they are being irresponsible and retarded jerks.

And people who pee without flushing are also the worst I mean like c'mon HOW CAN YOU NOT FLUSH AFTER YOU PEE IT'S ALMOST A GIVEN WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WEAR YOUR SHIRT AND NOT YOUR SHORTS AND GO OUT TO SHOP? NO YOU DON'T SO WHY DO YOU NOT FLUSH AFTER YOU PEE THAT IS SIMPLY THE GROSSEST THING YET BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST LETTING YOUR PEE DEFUSE INTO THE AIR AND SUFFOCATING EVERYONE WITH YOUR BLOODY PEE STENCH.

Jesus Christ people who can't use the toilet considerately should never use the toilets because they will just be the death of OTHER people.

And then there are people who just swagly walk out of the toilet without washing their hands after having done whatever businesses they were doing and that's just............way beyond unacceptable. These people have reached a whole new level of grossness. I seriously wonder if they ever learned basic hygienes. They make me mentally shoot them for being so disgusting and ugh I just hope one day they slip on their pee or shit and eat them and realize just how gross they are.

In other lighter and brighter news:

I kinda like the font on this blog so I might stay a lil longer in this space and hopefully writing will become an indispensable habit of mine because it helps me clear my mind and straighten my thoughts and right all the wrongs (or not).

#51: made

There are only 50 posts written in the name of this blog within the past 4 years which, if you average it out, is about 12.5 entries per year which, if you average it out again, is about 1.0416667 entries per month which is pretty satisfactory.

Because no one probably searches this blog up anymore, I think I can write as freely as I want. It's not like I have anything to hide but I just don't need (unnecessary) people to read the content and go all shit.

Just about recently, I looked through my cupboard and realized throughout my secondary school years, I've received numerous cards/letters/scrapbooks from so many people whom I cross-pathed with and it dawned on me that they all had that one common phrase:

I will never forget you, so don't you ever forget about me.

And occasionally some might add a love you at the end and it just occurred to me that all of those sounded so fake now that you read them when you're a little older. No one actually meant their love neither their remembrance of you. They just wrote it because letters to friends were structured that way. Back then, it was so exciting to receive and read messages from people around you and you didn't have to doubt whether their sincerity was real or not because in that moment everything seemed real enough.

But when you read letters dated 2012 and before in 2015 you'll come to see how pretentious and bogus the words are and probably laugh at how much of a fool you were to believe them.

I don't think it's me and my skepticism but somehow I just saw so many different meanings when I flipped through the scrapbooks and read the letters. Only some retained it's authenticity. Which is weird because it boggles me how can some remain as genuine as it was while others just.........faded into nothingness. It's like there's an invisible expiration for the realness of the messages.

After thinking so much I've also come to realize that those who said best friends forever or you're truly one of my most trusted friends or you're like a sister to me or just something along the lines that struck you never really became your forever friends.

Everything and everyone is ephemeral.

Only people who don't express their eternal desire for you will love you for ever and always be there whenever you need someone by your side.

This is not even supposed to be an emotional post but along the way I made it seem like I'm dying or something hahahahaha fret not sab I know you'll be reading this because you're one of the people who do not express their eternal desire for you because you'll just sit there silently supporting me and for that I'm very thankful but it still gets to me whenever I realize that I'll be going thru ub alone.

PS: please don't move to Australia otherwise I'll be missing one of my holding posts.

Till the next time.............when the next time comes.