It's either you against the world, or the world against you. It will never be you and someone against the world, neither the other way round. If there's anything I really learned for the past 19 years or so, it'd be that no matter how much support you have, how many friends you make, or just how strong your background is, the corollary will still be you facing the world alone. You, one of the 7 billion people living on this planet, have to tackle the world alone. And it will always be this case. No one can face your world except you. No one can solve your problems except you. No one can destroy you except you. And no one can outdo you except you.
And that is why the living world is a scary place. You trust the people you trust most and they put a dagger through your back.
And what's worse than daggering you is the pain you cannot feel. Because you don't know how to feel the pain. Because you were not trained to do so. All this time, you grow up being taught to trust the people around you, and to help them even without them telling you, to love them even if the love isn't reciprocated. But you were not taught neither told to feel pain.
Every day will be you against the world. And every day will be you fighting against yourself, too. And every day will be a constant battle with no apparent victory because the battle you fight will never end until you cease to exist.
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Today was a good day. In the early afternoon I went over to Sab's place to collect 2 out 3 packages she received on my behalf but before that we had some bus problems like I alighting at the wrong stop and being a total bus idiot. And then we went to pick Nafisa up together and man her baby sister was a total adorable pie. I can now see why she's so lovable by everyone.
Being at Sab's place stressed me a lil because I've always been an awkward potato my entire life and I just never really learned how to act or behave in front of strangers. Especially when her mom exudes this really strict and fierce aura I just thought I needed a hole to jump into and hide there forever. That aside, it was really great spending time with her and her sister watching X-Men (whichever season it was).
Afterward I went to Vianne's crib to (again) collect the caps I had her buy for me. Shopping online and delivering the stuff straight to my house is death equivalent thus, I needed someone (trustable and reliable) to be one of my holding posts so do not ever underestimate the role of my holding posts.
Anyway then we talked for quite a bit and honestly, it was rrrrrrrrrreally good talking to an old friend again. And I quote from entry #51: in that moment everything seemed real enough. Sometimes I really wish it's just I being downright skeptical but other times, I just don't want to give the trust people deserve because I believe so much in expectations leading to disappointments.
The more you expect, the greater your disappointment. The more you desire, the less you attain. The more you wish, the less you get. At the end of the day, desire will be the death of you, not a road accident, or an incurable plague, or a terminal illness, but the thirst to want so many things so badly it killed you even without you knowing.
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The few hours of alone time I have after dinner each day is what I look forward to most, honestly. It is the time I can do whatever I want whenever I want. It is the time I really run through my mind and repeat the day in my head. It is the time I have to myself, the time of solitary - no one to interrupt me, no one to bother me, no one to care about me. It is the time about me and myself, and I really like that.
Time alone is so important you never realize that until you're stuck spending time with people you barely invest anything in.
And I really marvel at the diligence I have to write so much, keeping this thing alive.
